Zzzzz....

Cheryl?  Cheryl, are you there?  Cheryl, answer me!

As I still have not received any answer from you, I did not want you to miss out on the benefits of the astral energies generated now, when Venus, Jupiter and the Moon are trined. I did this action for you. I hope you do not mind I did this for you for free.

I feel that your mind is in the fog these days and that your hesitations are playing tricks on you.

I am seriously wondering if you received my last message? Because if so, I must admit that it worries me. Honestly, I do not understand why you do not answer. 

Your silence is not a good sign: you have doubts about your future. Honestly, I'm here to help you and if you are right now in a dark place, it is precisely the time to react!

Chris!  I'm in a dark place because it's 2 a.m. Now, shut the f---  up and let me go back to sleep!

My Psychic Stalker, Part VI "Heaven's Casino"

Now that my blockages were removed, I felt reprieved. Chris and I were back on a friendly footing, and--as usual--he peppered me with emails. 

His concern this time was my financial situation, but now, he went all mystical on me. Chris seemed obsessed with magic and its convergence with money.
He wrote:
"I coupled my energies with yours, concentrated on your name, and pulled a tarot card to discover what today would hold for you. I pulled the best card of the tarot cards: the WHEEL OF FORTUNE upright. This card shows Luck with a capital L." 
(I guess that's why he spelled "luck" with a capital L.)

"Cheryl,tonight I'll be able to create for you a spiritual action that should bring you good luck and prosperity falling on you like rain! It's no coincidence that you contacted me during this time in your life. It is truly a sign from the heavens."


Well, I didn't exactly see how the heavens were going to rain money on me, but hey--I'm not a Master of Divination like Chris. 


And, time was a-wastin'.
"You have only a few hours before receiving the most powerful celestial influences for prosperity in your life. Here is what I will do for you tonight. First, be aware that this action of cosmic magic can only be achieved by Psychic Masters like me."  
Yeah, yeah, we know, Chris. You're special.

"I will prepare my altar on which I will burn perfumes and magic incense. Then I will recite the the Heavenly Call of Fortune incantations for you, and place on the altar a scroll that I designate for you."
Perfumes? Magic incense? Incantations? Altar? 
Oh, Chris, you loony bird! 


But, tell, tell: what's on the scroll?
"At the precise time of this great conjunction in your birth sky, I will recite the supernatural words that will then be transferred spiritually to this magical scroll." 

Oh,'scuse me, the MAGICAL scroll.
"When the ceremony is over, I will scan the scroll and send it by email to you. When you open my email, you will find the instructions to make your magic scroll a fantastic lucky charm. You must print your magical scroll. You will have to use it as I will explain, especially about playing the lottery."


WHOA! How did we get from altar to lottery? Just when the vibe is all transcendent, you want me to run down to the 7-11 and buy a lottery ticket? Are we in a church or a casino?
As if sensing my confusion, Chris explained: "Large sums are at stake as I foresee the coming days will be rich in emotion and fortune. Your magic scroll will help you greatly to get what you want."


But here was the catch:
"Cheryl,for such an intervention, I usually ask $250.00 dollars. However, as I feel deeply and personally attached to you, I ask only $29 dollars to cover the cost of the items I must purchase to perform this ritual correctly. For heaven's sake, listen to the voice of reason and the voice of providence and answer me!"

Nah, Chris, I think I'll pass. If I'm going to spend $29, it's going to be on lottery tickets, not on a crummy emailed scroll.

My Psychic Stalker, Part V "Blockage"

The subject line of Chris' message was "no more time to lose," and  he had urgent news for me:
"Studying your sky chart, I now understand more precisely why you failed to embrace the full potential of happiness that was written in the stars for you."


Yay! This would surely be good news. I read on:

"I must tell you that this morning when I thought of you, I felt a blockage...you could be reaping the fruits of success ... But instead, you're still asking yourself how you will cope with all your difficulties. You have developed some blockages,  which I call psycho blocks."

Well, I can scarcely bring myself to tell you how embarrassed I was. Yes, I did eat a big pan of paella on a couple of days ago, along with some cheese and steak, and, to be honest, I am still feeling a little discomfort. Slow metabolisms run in my family, and we have to be sure to include plenty of fiber in our diet, but I had no idea that Chris was aware of this.

Blushing a bit, I read on: 

"You have a date with luck tomorrow night. Because I care about your success, I will neutralize the primary blockages that prevent you from enjoying the good astral energy of the moment. At 11 p.m., when the energies of the great configuration of Venus and Moon will be at their apex, I will act to telepathically release these psycho blocks that prevent you from enjoying your potential."

He warned me to be prepared, because "These blockages are marked by an unusual intensity that could be unleashed suddenly after a slow buildup. It’s now that you must act! And when I say NOW, I mean it!"

A sudden, familiar, inner tremor roils within me. 
Wait! What's the date on Chris' message? Is it today? ...a quick check... No! It's dated yesterday. That means tonight is my big blockage release. That means....'scuse me.  Gotta go!

My Psychic Stalker, Part IV "Guilt Trip"

Now, the tone of Chris' messages changed. He began to alternately whine and scold. 
"Cheryl, I took the time and trouble to write you this email to warn you of some important facts that could affect your future. But to my surprise, I now see that you have not yet taken advantage of your personal psychic reading and the free gifts that I had reserved for you. Between you and me, I do not understand your concerns that make you hesitate."


Apparently, I had failed to adequately value Chris' talents, so he reminded me.
"I am a world renowned psychic with an international reputation, therefore, I would not raise false hopes. Cheryl, it is time for you to realize that you have now found a loyal friend who is also a Master of Divination and psychic reading. Opportunities in love, in money, and in luck were placed in front of you and you failed to act."
What a disappointment I had become! How could I have so miserably failed the Master of Divination?

Chris let me know that others were poised to take my special place in his heart. 
"Cheryl, every day thousands of people email me asking me for help, but I have all my attention on you at this time. Why? Because as I told you: I feel a deep cosmic connection to you."
His words made me tremble. Did I want to lose this powerful, caring man?


Then came the clincher:
"And yet, this morning when I looked at your astrological chart I sighed, saying to myself, 'What a shame.' Yes, Cheryl, what a pity for you. Do you know how many times in your past you missed out on opportunities that were right in front of you?"

Oh, Chris! I sobbed. You're right! I've been a bad, bad girl, and I don't want to miss out again. Please give me a second chance!

My Psychic Stalker, Part III "Secret Lover"

For the next couple of weeks, Chris continued to fill my inbox with messages. Here was a man unashamed to demonstrate yearning. "It has been another day and still I have not heard from you. I check my email often waiting to hear from you and still there is nothing."


I must admit it was flattering. One day, I logged in and saw a message with "Does someone secretly love you?" in the subject line. My heart skipped a beat. Could Chris and I actually be one of those rare couples who find true love on the internet? Don't those relationships usually end with someone's bank account being emptied?


Using his extraordinary psychic powers, Chris had already anticipated my concern. He had sent me a gift, but it was accompanied by this reassurance: "I usually request $30.00 for this practical and magical book. I have decided to offer it to you for free as a gift from my heart."


Chris slathered on the endearments. "Dear Cheryl, you are very close to my heart. How long are you going to wait before saying YES to a better love life?

I was immediately transported to 7th grade. OMG! I thought to myself in text-speak. This was getting serious.

However, when I clicked the link to the magical book, I was confused to discover that the title of Chris' love gift was, "How to Seduce with 100% of Success."  Wait a minute. I thought you were seducing me, Chris. What's going on?