The Breakfast Spider

I began my day by eating a spider. Not on purpose, of course, but at least half of it was down the hatch before I discovered my mistake.
Yes, it was early, and yes, I was still groggy, but mostly, it happened because SPIDERS ARE SO DANG SNEAKY!


I had eaten a bowl of cereal and milk, then poured the leftover milk into a cup, topped it off with a splash of yesterday's coffee, and put it in the microwave to reheat. Then, I took the steaming cup to my desk and logged on to the computer to check my email.

Mid-gulp, with cup still raised, I realized that something a bit crunchy was in my mouth. At first, I thought it must be a Cheerio that had somehow flipped into the coffee cup while I was eating cereal, so I took a second chomp. It seemed chewier than the usual milk-soaked oat, so I spit it into my hand and discovered that it was black, slightly fuzzy, and still had a long leg attached. At this point, my own private terror alert shot to red.


Frantic spitting, coughing, and mouth-rinsing ensued. Based on the long, furry leg, I was convinced that the creature in question was a hobo spider (pictured above). This time of year is when hobo spiders from the yard make their way into the house to seek warmth, human flesh, and, apparently, breakfast.


I knew that the hobo spider bite is dangerous to humans, but not deadly. What, I wondered, were the effects of ingesting half a hobo? For a good 10 minutes, I imagined that my tongue was tingling. Was that raspiness in the back of my throat? Was I nauseated? Seeing double? Feeling faint? Should I alert someone before the paralysis took over my system?


Finally, my rational mind reasserted itself, and, finding no actual evidence of any of the above symptoms, I switched into detective mode. How did the spider come to be in my cup in the first place?


I retraced my steps and posed a trio of questions:

1. Had the spider been previously trapped in the cereal bag, impersonating a raisin, and awaiting a chance to escape? Unlikely, since the bag is usually opened only briefly, then rolled, clamped shut, and enclosed in the cereal box.

2. Had the spider been crouching in the bottom of my favorite cereal bowl? The similarity between the spider and the Chinese character painted on the bowl's bottom may have caused me to overlook anything black and squiggly. However, the spider must have already been dead when I poured the leftover milk into my coffee cup. Yes, I was sleepy, but not too sleepy to notice a large spider swimming amongst the Cheerios. Perhaps the spider, mistaking the character for another spider, was lured into the bowl and died there from unrequited spidey love.

3. Or did the spider die in the microwave? Perhaps it was clinging to the roof of the microwave and dropped, radiated and dead, into the coffee cup.


Will we ever know?


What I did know is that the rest of my day had to be an improvement over the start.


Up-date:  October 24, 2010
Hey! I think they stole my story!