Ophiuchus Is Just Not Sexy

Okay, I don't know how to feel. To use airline parlance, have I been upgraded or have I been bumped?

I spent some time this morning reading about the latest debate in the astrological sign industry. The addition to the Zodiac of a new (yet very old) constellation has resulted in a revision of the astrological charts and an adjustment in several sign categories. Apparently, this has also caused much panty-bunching among the faithful.

As one who fails to set her course according to the planets, I've been interested in astrology only in the way that one muses over the placemats in Chinese restaurants, wondering whether or not to feel fortunate in having been born in the Year of the Dog. When I was younger, my experience with astrology was limited to being asked in bars, "What's your sign?"

The new sign is Ophiuchus, and Wikipedia tells us that:

"Ophiuchus is a large constellation located around the celestial equator. Its name is from the Greek word for 'serpent-bearer,' and it is commonly represented as a man grasping a snake. Ophiuchus was one of the 48 constellations listed by the second-century astronomer Ptolemy. It was formerly referred to as Serpentarius."

First of all, we need to know how to pronounce "Ophiuchus," because no good can come from telling the guy who's buying you drinks in a bar that you are a "serpent bearer," and if you mispronounce Ophiuchus, the guy is likely to reply, "Gesundheit!"

According to the North Houston Astronomy Club (and why wouldn't they know?), Ophiuchus is pronounced "off-ih-YOU-kuss," which sounds a bit like "office mucus."  That's not going to help anyone get laid.

According to those ever-reputable online sources, people operating under the sign of Ophiuchus are "interpreters of premonitions and dreams." They are "favored by their fathers and other authority figures." 

Oh, I know those people. In high school, they ran for student body president, and the principal was their pal. Hmm...I wonder how many "serpent bearers" are among our newly-elected congressional representatives?

For some, the acknowledgment of Ophiuchus has changed their astrological sign, while others' signs remain the same. Below is a chart that reflects the new seat...er, I mean, sign assignments. [Click on the chart to enlarge it.]

I was formerly a Sagittarian. Here, according to our finest astrologers (if not our finest grammarians), is "Sagittarius in a Nutshell":

"Sagittarius are guided by luck, good things happen to Sagittarius and this is usually because of their optimistic outlook and positive disposition which attracts good fortune. Sagittarius have a vibrant, expansive personality that is free like a bird, Sagittarius cannot be contained. They are full of curiosity. Sagittarius are detached from emotions because emotions hold a person back, they do not like to talk about their feelings, they simply experience them and move on. Sagittarius can be reckless and irresponsible because they will jump at a suggestion of something new before they weigh the advantages and disadvantages."

Now, however, I'm Scorpio, and my nutshell contains:

"Scorpio is the astrology sign of extremes and intensity. Scorpios are very deep, intense people, there is always more then meets the eye. They present a cool, detached and unemotional air to the world yet lying underneath is tremendous power, extreme strength, intense passion and a strong will and a persistent drive. Scorpios have a very penetrative mind, they are trying to delve deeper and figure things out and survey the situation. They always want to know why, where and any other possible detail. Scorpio's are very weary of the games that other people try to play. Scorpios tend to dominate and control anyone that lets them, or anyone that they find weak. The person that a Scorpio respects and holds close to them is treated with amazing kindness, loyalty and generosity. On the outside, a Scorpio has great secretiveness and mystery. This magnetically draws people to them. They are known to be controlling and too ambitious but only because they need control for this makes them feel safe."

Nutshell, indeed.  At least I'm not office mucus.

Gesundheit!